Oh yes chicas! It’s that time again. I’m home from Orlando, sun-blistered, exhausted as a motha and ass aching from a near constant stream of bowel daquiris. Fun even wilder times were had than last year, if you can imagine. And I think you can.

We rolled into Orlando late and booked it to the hotel via a $40 cab-ride (bastards!), and though I was frightened by the reviews of the hotel, was not nearly as disgusted as I’d assumed. You see, the Sunday before we left, Caroline was looking on Travel Advisor (dot) com and found a consensus that the Wyndham was flat out filthy. It would have ended there, with a growling in our guts, had she not read further. “Not bad for the price.” Intriguing. A filthy $140/night hotel room, we thought. How could that NOT be bad. But no. NO. The price wasn’t $140, it was $69 on the website. Seems RT was getting reamed.

Quicker than you can say cancellation, I was on the phone to save us over $200 on our stay. Oh yes. I’m that guy. So…Tuesday night, despite being worn out like a trio of aging hookers, Richelle, Caroline and I hooked up with Diana Rowland, Jackie Kessler and Michelle Rowen for a suite party thrown by these two naughties…

Lauren Dane and Megan Hart have an awesome vlog that’s almost defies description…oh wait…it’s dirty (in a totally good way–as if there were any other).  Yep.  Mario Acevedo and I had to go to their panel on co-writing without killing each other.  He’s still alive so it must be working.  Anyways, back to the party.  Heather Osborn and I thought Jameson’s and Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper might mix well…

Um…wrong.  Did we drink it anyway?  Yes, of course.  What better to wash down mini-cupcakes, I ask you.  After meeting some online peeps and apparently snubbing Ann Aguirre (I hope I made up for the social faux pas–wait–BUY BLUE DIABLO!!!!).  

We caught up with the C.O.T. at the pool bar which became the nightly hang for drinks, gawking and general mayhem (including Renee George’s crazy video questionnaires on Bitten by Books–do go).

Also…

You wanna know who’s fun?

These two…

That’s Renee Sweet and Karen Mahoney (our token Brit who curses in that adorable accent–true, make her say asshole!).  Wednesday was all about hanging out and recovering from too much alcohol and stuff, but Thursday.  Thursday, my friends, was crazy.

Started off the day by having a League of Reluctant Adults party at Club RT where we took entries for some pretty awesome prizes, including a shiny-ass Sony eReader.  Oh yeah.  Then I sat on two panels, one on series and the other humor.  I was able to fit in references to puffy nipple fat, throwing legs out of socket during rough sex and all manner of filthiness.  *pats self on back*

Kensington threw their authors a cocktail party with emphasis on the “cocktails”.  Holy crap did I get wasted, also met like-minded drinking buddies, seen here in various states of inebriation…

The Kensington authors know how to party, I’m not gonna lie (clockwise from top left, firecracker Sasha White, Delilah Devlin and Beth Williamson, Karin Tabke, Sylvia Day and Myla Jackson and then finally, Myla again with some drunk).  So much so, that I barely remember the fairy ball, except that Mario kept sticking things on his face and in his mouth, like this lemon which he swallowed whole and then regurgitated in slices (there’s no end to his bizarre talents)…

Frequent hangs and hilarious pals, Renee George and Michele Bardsley were on hand for snarking and dirtiness, as per usual.  After one particularly evocative conversation we had to stop at the Crab Shack for lemon wipes.

Lest you think I have no proof of Faerieness, here’s Cici, Erika and her fam in full unseelie regalia (I’m always impressed but is this quartet not insanely awesome?)…

Friday was all about punking Jaye and it’s on video, so you’ll have to keep checking the League of Reluctant Adults for that portion of the blog, but let me tell you, we nailed her.  Like so…

Oh gun bra, why are you so awesome?

Friday was the RT Awards and you know who won? Our very own Jeanne Stein and Michele Barsdley!!!  Other UF/PR winners were Keri Arthur and Ilona Andrews.  Lauren Dane won too, holla!  Celebrations were rampant and we partied at Pizzeria UNO, because dayum they gots good pomegranate margaritas and crust.  Flaky as pie, bitches.

Later, it was time for a dramatic reading of some menage erotica, which was a great time, there was a big group and I shared storytelling duties with Heather and Diana, a good time was had by all, even though we had to have a safe word for passing kids. Sadly, there’s no video. Though, that could easily be remedied.

After that was the librarian/bookseller party.  There was a box in the middle of each table and once it was opened, we wished we could put the lid back on, not to hide the Nutter Butters, those were snapped up immediately.  It was the potted meat and sardines that turned our stomachs on end.  I never saw the hos eatin’ that nasty on Ladettes to Ladies.

Saturday was the gigantic book fair and I pulled out my secret weapon for increasing sales–the MUTSUKI!!!!

Oh yes.  For those who bought both books, they received a special gift…Convenience!  Ever get really into a book and then feel that uncomfortable urge to relieve yourself?  Well now you can keep up with your favorite characters without the bother of walking to the bathroom.  Mutsuki by Amanda, the zombie diaper is now available or humans!  Seriously, the little prize helped me sell nearly 70 of my 80 books.  

Afterward, the League of Reluctant Adults convened at the Charlaine Harris party, thrown by the adorable Debi Murray, her hubs Steve and the Charlatans (the Charlaine Harris fan club, FYI).  A good time was had by all as there was delicious food and drink and PRIZES!!!!! Caroline won two Fangtasia shirts which she plans to brandish at our True Blood dinners next season.  Oh the jealousy will be thick and malignant.  I gots me a signed book and a book plate, but the grand prize was won by this crazy lady…

Surprise surprise. Dakota Cassidy’s winning streak continues.  Must be the smoldering.  From there, it was all about the Mangent.  Although this time, I was twittering so much I barely remember anything.  You might want to check out those tweets for a recap.  I do remember laughing so much I thought I’d piss myself, or my nearby seating companions.

The whole shindig ended with a trip to Pirate’s Dinner Adventure.  Oh LORD.  Rum punch was flowing like a stream of…well, rum punch, only with the CRACK in it!  The intoxication was rampant.  Rampant! Just ask Stace and Caitlin! Or Heather!

Oh Michelle Rowen.  Your robot is the stuff dreams are made of.  Sigh.  So that’s about it.  RT was a blast and I was completely exhausted.  But not too exhausted to skip Disneyworld!!!  Someone remind me to post about that.

Almost forgot.  Check out this swag!  I met vampire authors Kathy Love and Erin McCarthy who ponied up the colored condoms.  What’s wrong with the one on the left?

If you answered, “Take my jaundiced prick.” Then you’re the winner. Yellow condoms are not okay. Ever. In that most vulnerable time, the last thing you want to be thinking about is disease.

So what did I forget?