Dr. Nicole Peeler stormed into Seattle last week for a wedding and touristing and so we checked out some local color and ate way too much AND treated a well attended Ravenna Third Place Books crowd to mucho dirtiness (yes, there may have been a public erotic reading).

Sunday I took the Doctor on a tour of infamous Tacoma landmarks including the Bull’s Eye gun shop home of the weaponry used in the DC Sniper attacks, our lovely Hilltop area and Bob’s Java Jive, a huge coffee pot which is actually a bar. We used to hang out there on Friday nights to watch the owner’s “presumably autistic” son play piano. Or maybe I’m just remembering it all through Pabst Blue Ribbon brain.

On Tuesday, we did Marination Mobile, which is the most amazing food truck in the country (Hawaiian/Korean/Mexican fusion). Spam sliders and spicy pork tacos were consumed with finger sucking abandon. Then it was off for some knuckle riding!

On the Fremont Troll! That’s Nicole’s friend Dr. Ruth up on the troll’s shoulder and yes, that’s a fullsize Volkswagen bug in the hand not wearing Nicole’s poon as a bandaid.  Did the usual shopping and slurping down ice cream and hanging at Kat Richardson’s boat (also prowling of yachts might have happened, I’m not saying it did, I’m just making conversation). Then we met up with Richelle Mead for Happy Hour and nachos and such before Kat’s reading (in support of her new release, Labyrinth–go pick it up), which was awesome. We afterpartied at a little bar down the street and had this huge room to ourselves. The foulness that was discussed would burn holes in people’s brains, but that’s pretty par for the course.

The next day, Nicole and I did our author event. There we are now, cracking ourselves up. And before you start, yes, we realize we’re completely juvenile peeing ourselves over dirty words and stuff. But if that’s wrong, we don’t wanna be right!

After the reading, we went to this place called Pies and Pints. I had neither, though our friend (and internet stalwart) Synde had the most amazing mac ‘n cheese EVAH with so much bacon you could smell the pigginess!

Good times.

But afterward, it was back to work on my adult proposal which is coming together finally. I’m finally pulling the outline together which is helping in finishing the sample chapters. But the stress is still there and I’m at that point in the author life-cycle where I’m nearly back to aspiring. But them’s the ropes. Wish me quick sales or a back alley Doc who won’t mind prescribing me some Valium.

That big news I mentioned a while back is still in a holding pattern until we get a contract in our hands and by our I mean my agent’s so, I probably jumped the gun in mentioning it and drawing out the mystery, ugh. Suffice it to say, it’s something I’m totally excited about still. Among other things. More about all that later.

Well, I think that’s it for an update on my side. What’s up with all of you?

Tomorrow I’ll be heading up to Seattle to hang with Nicole Peeler and the rest of the Team Seattle crew as we help usher in Kat Richardson’s newest baby book, Labyrinth!

Bet there: 7:00 at University Bookstore!

I’ve been told there’ll be drankin’ and chattering and such, so can’t wait.

Then on Wednesday, August 4th!!!!

Nicole and I will be plopping our filthy asses down at Third Place for Books in Ravenna to read smut, talk shit and sign stuff. 7:00 sharp. Be there!

…here’s some shit that nearly killed me today.

1. Nick Kroll is freakin’ hilarious. From Fabrice Fabrice to the Ed Hardy Boyz, you gotta check him out. Here’s some stand up that made me cry like a funeral home full of grass pollen.

2. Antoine!

I’m pretty sure this one is self-explanatory. Antoine needs to replace Katie Couric as a National News Anchor.

Thoughts?

First up!

Tonight I’ll be taking part in the Kiss Me Deadly chat for the release of that YA paranormal romance anthology. If you look for me there, I’ll be Danny Marks, so don’t go calling me Mark or nothin’ cuz I’ll be like “Who?” I guess what I’m saying is don’t bring all the young adult readers over here to the darkness too soon, their parents will be pissed. Anyways, if you’re into chatting, and I know many of you are, I’ll be there with the likes of Trisha Telep (editor), Becca Fitzpatrick (Hush Hush), Sarah Rees Brennan (The Demon’s Covenant), Michelle Zink (Prophecy of the Sisters), Rachel Vincent (My Soul to Keep), and Karen Mahoney (The Iron Witch) possibly, she’s sick so she’s hoping she’ll make it. Here’s the link to that!

Awesome YA Chatting with Chatty Chattertons!

In addition…Surprise! I vlogged about reading and shit!

So seriously! What you reading?

Well, it looks like my conference attendance for the year has come to a close. While everyone I know (who write and are big geeks) hams it up in Atlanta and/or San Diego. I’ll be cursing them from my spot at the kitchen table, or Starbucks or the odd library carrel.

It seems conference attendance requires money (unless your books are selling like snuggies) and I’m firmly in the eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches stage of my career. So if you want to hang out and meet up and get books signed and stuff, your best bet is coming up on August 4th.

It seems a certain writer of selkie pr0n is popping on up to the Emerald City to wreak seal-like havoc (basking, undoubtedly). Nicole Peeler, author of the Jane True series of urban fantasy novels (Tempest Rising, Tracking the Tempest, Tapping the Tempest’s Ass), seen here preparing my barium enema. We’ll be setting up shop at Third Place Books in Seattle’s Ravenna neighborhood at 7 PM. So save the date and bring us pressies! Cuz we’ll be bringing you the gift of inappropriate readings and genital cupping. Maybe.

Now, that said, how many of y’all bitches are going to DragonCon and ComicCon?

So I just finished listening to Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut. I’d been at it all week. If you’ve never read/heard Vonnegut, get thee to a bookstore/library/nunnery. There’s something about the way he constructs story that really gets me going, activates those gray cells in the weirdest ways. But beyond that, the reading job Ethan Hawke did for the audio was mesmerizing. Seriously. Get it. See if I’m wrong.

You know who doesn’t have a soothing, mesmerizing voice? Snooki…

That shit there has had me saying “what the frig” all damn week!

I wanted to check in and bring y’all up to date on a couple of things before I sell you a couple of books. We’re about a month away from the release of Kiss Me Deadly: 13 Tales of Paranormal Love, which features my Daniel Marks short Vermillion. But you can listen to the book now. I downloaded the audiobook at Audible.com and found that I couldn’t stand to listen to someone else read my stuff. It just doesn’t sound right to me. At. All. I’m sure it’s fine for fresh ears, but mine are tainted by already having assigned tone and cadence to the various characters with speaking parts.

Jen Lancaster lists Road Trip of the Living Dead as one of her picks for her Summer Reading List! Jen is fantastic and hilarious and you need to go grab all her books as soon as you can. Pal Jackie Kessler is releasing the last Hell on Earth book, Hell To Pay as a serialized novel on her site. Chapter Six is up today! I took part in a fun Vampire Interview over at Flames Rising.

Now…

A great big Happy Book Birthday to Nicole Peeler and Adrian Phoenix!

I met Adrian at Norwescon this year, and I can’t say enough good things about her. Super nice and talented. Was lucky enough to hear her read the first chapter of Black Dust Mambo and was hooked. I can’t wait to go pick up this book!

Nicole is a good friend, so keep that in mind as I pimp her out hard. I’ve not read Tracking the Tempest but I expect it’ll be more fun Selkie shiz! I know Nicole is only going to get better and better with each successive Jane True book so run to the store or wherever and pick it up/download it.

Had a great time at Crypticon Seattle this past Saturday, despite only being able to go for a short time (sorry if I missed anyone). To explain, we have a yearly garage sale, that’s become a big family thing and I accepted the invitation at Crypticon prior to our city declaring a date for the citywide deal, that combined with Father’s Day swept the weekend and the con up in a perfect storm of bad timing.

I was happy I got to hang, albeit briefly, with S.G. Browne and read him unedited shit–because for a while he was the only person at my reading.  It was a bit weird to read from Flaming Creatures since it’s still evolving, but I wasn’t unhappy with the chapter and reading it aloud gave me tons of ideas for making it richer and more textured (which is to say, more vulgar and piss-stained). Also met Robert Elrod, who does these really awesome Monster portraits, like the one Caroline had done for Christmas. Robert was fantastic and gave me this awesome original piece…which I foolishly mistook for the gravedigger in Salem’s Lot instead of American Werewolf in London.

Thought it was interesting that people on the zombie panel thought that the original Dawn of the Dead would hold up and draw the current youth of America into the genre. At an earlier panel, a 13-year old expressed that he loved horror as a result of the Nightmare on Elm Street remake. When asked about the original, he said it was laughable. The effects were very important to him. Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVED the original DAWN, but I ask, does it hold up for a generation reared on frenetic video game play and realism on film?

I went through stills to try and make my point and found these two.

Now. Both have their faults. The first is the remake, clearly. And while at first glance, the make-up seems well done, the running zombies apparently don’t rot on their bellies. Likewise, in the 70s only heads turned blue and not hands. Seriously, though. If the kid laughed, and not in a this-is-hilarious-camp kind of way, at Elm Street, is he likely to be won over by Romero’s blue zombies? Doubtful.

Along that line, though. Night of the Living Dead holds up tremendously due to the black and white film. Very forgiving. It makes me think that when I’m out and about and come across someone who’s colorblind, I might actually be totally hot in their eyes.

What? It could happen.

Haven’t done this for awhile so here’s some videos to accompany your dwindling Friday work drudge!

I’m loving White Lies. Thoughts?

And for all your running with wolves needs…

And who could live without the new Interpol?

Or The Smiths?

That’s enough. Lord knows there’re more. God help me.

What are y’all listening to?

It’s been a while since I’ve pimped out a book anywhere other than Twitter/Facebook. What can I say? Busy trying to salvage a career here. I really don’t want to sling fries with the pimple set. Ever. So I come out of my manuscript cloud (picture letters and crumpled paper flying around the room like a monkey flings its own crap), to talk about a book and a series that I REALLY love.

I’m talking about Stacia Kane’s UNHOLY GHOSTS.

Stace and I met, like so many authors, online and hit it off, probably because we’re both very, very wrong. She and I were founding members of the League of Reluctant Adults–way back when there were just five of us–and started beta reading each other’s shit. Which brings me back to UNHOLY GHOSTS. I’ve had the chance to read all three of the books in the series (the other two are UNHOLY MAGIC and CITY OF GHOSTS) and I’m here to tell you, this is groundbreaking stuff.

Now, I’m not a HUGE fan of urban fantasy. Primarily because what I’ve read seems to be inspired by the genre itself and the heroes/heroines aren’t surprising at this point. What it takes to catch my interest is realistic characters. And that’s not to say what’s realistic for a TYPICAL hero or heroine of this genre, but what’s realistic for human beings. Stace’s character Cesaria (Chess) Putnam is damaged; she’s drug addicted; she lives in a dystopian world of systemic grief, where the majority of the population has been extinguished by an uprising of ghosts; a world where God does not exist. That’s all I’ll give away about the book and its premise. I’ve seen some reviews where Chess’s drug abuse was the breaking point for the reader, I love her for the complexity of her crutch. The necessity of it is masterful worldbuilding. And Stace’s protagonist is the perfect creation to explore the dark boundaries of heroism. I was in love from the first chapter.

Seriously, pick it up today!

*******

Another League of Reluctant Adults member, Jackie Kessler, is serializing HELL TO PAY, the last book in her fantastically saucy succubus series on her website. That means every week you can get your Jezebel fix, what could be more awesome. Plus, it’s free. What? Seriously? Spike up here!

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Yet another Leaguer, Michelle Rowen’s new Demon Princess book, REIGN CHECK is out today. You’ll be needing that one in your bag. You just will.

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Great news for two other Leaguers. Richelle Mead’s SPIRIT BOUND is #1 on the USA Today Bestseller list!!! Huge news because the USA Today list lumps all genres together. That’s a buttload of sales y’all. Our glowing ray of sunshine, Michelle Rowen sold the next book in her Living in Eden paranormal romance series. This one’s called THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC. Congrats ladies!

For those of you not in the know, the Romantic Times Booklover’s Convention is a near week-long immersion course in the language of erotica, drunken debauchery and high camp. Well, maybe that’s just what I go for and seek to create. Others, more sedate others, might just see it as an opportunity to chat with friends, attend seminars and connect with readers to talk about books. I love all that too, I just like to inject the naughty wherever I can. I think you understand.

Last Tuesday, six sleep-deprived authors (Lauren Dane, Kat Richardson, Richelle Mead, Shelli Stevens and TJ Michaels) shambled onto a plane bound for Columbus, OH. None of us had ever been, nor ever thought we’d visit this midwestern capital, yet seven hours later, we were there, rushing like a line of gerbils up Richard Gere’s ass to catch a shuttle to the hotel.

A shuttle driven by the crankiest driver in all of Ohio.  I’m not exaggerating. This guy was in such a hurry, he played the “What about the children card.” Apparently he had a temp job driving a bus for the school district. I’m fairly certain, after a long day of traveling, that we took precedence. Too bad kids!

What happened once we got to the Hyatt Regency was kind of a blur so I’ll bullet point this bitch for you…

• The Erotic-ness of the Ellora’s Cave Party NOW WITH VIDEO!!!

The undisputed opening salvo of crazy is the Ellora’s Cave Party. This RT’s happened on Wednesday night and played out against a backdrop of deformed crepe paper lobster claws. The video was shot by Jaye Wells and features yours truly making defamatory remarks…of course.

• Char Bar!!!

After a hard day of speaking on panels aka making up shit on the spot, it’s time for some hard drinking and brawling. Jeanne gave Mario his just desserts over at our regular spot away from the hotel: Char Bar. It’s the kind of dive where the drinks are cheap and the bathrooms smell like nursing home mattresses, so we were right at home. By the way, the mystery writers are no amateurs when it comes to drinkin’. They were draining bottles and dancing. There may have been singing but I tried to block that out as much as possible, I am pretty sure the sound of Brad Sinor’s serenade causes cancer. I could be wrong.

• Columbus, OH

Okay, so I don’t have any pictures of North Market, which is totally a mecca to foodie foodiness, but let me just say, after two straight days of nothing but American food, I was about to lose my shit. I’m used to eating primarily ethnic cuisines, cuz I can. Or at the very least fusion stuff. So Max & Ermas wasn’t cutting it. In fact, the whole area around the massive conference center was a bit of a shock. Fun bars, good food and not a panhandler in sight, it was like Oz for alcoholics and fatties.

• The Book Fair

One of the huge events at RT is the Giant Saturday book fair. If 350 authors kickin’ it with fans and signing books is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. There were so many big authors there, that people go tickets for different lines and were called in shifts to get in line for the likes of JR Ward, Charlaine Harris and, our very own, Richelle Mead! Rachel Herron (How to Knit a Love Story) and I took a moment to take a blurry picture and plot the end of the world (also a dirty website–forthcoming).

• Panels and Shit

Yeah. There were some of those.

• Zombie Coochcakes!

Seriously. Zombie Joe’s wife, Robin, made some bad ass cupcakes for a few of us twitter authors. Mine were oh-so-lovely replicas of Amanda and Wendy’s snootches, complete with toasted coconut pubes and a mini-twix bar shoved inside like a magic bullet. Spoiled! That’s me.

• The Mangeant

There’s always some sort of controversy arising from the Cover Model Competition (Mangeant) but seriously it’s the pinnacle of camp and crazy at RT. There are those who complain that the whole convention is oversexualized and want it to be more professional, like RWA, presumably. The day that happens is the day the convention’s attendance plummets. You know what else plummets? My interest. If you can’t have fun at an RT convention, then what’s the point. In fact, this year was much less crazy than the previous two, so if people are still complaining, I suggest they stay home and plan their next Junior League luncheon. Now. Some specifics. You see those lights in the darkness down there? That’s the twitter effect. The entire audience looks like that. 500 people snarking, it’s a beautiful thing. The other shot is, of course, Jocelyn Drake and I practicing giving face.

And now, for the most magical picture of that evening: my agent, Jim, reacting to nuclear meltdown levels of camp…

Precious!

• UDF and NOT IBS

Con-buddy Crissy Brashear (Samhain Publishing) wrangled Heather, Richelle and I for “Malts after Midnight” at UDF (United Dairy Farmers) which is, apparently, a run to a 7-11 type convenience store. Hidden inside is Mecca for Malts. Hand-scooped, hand blended, magnificent. I’m a convert. Though, I gotta say if you’re looking for a scoop, you should definitely hit Jeni’s at North Market. The Salty Caramel is insane.

• Fairy Ball

Leaguers Richelle and Stace were on the Faery Court this year, which sounds like an opportunity to really make fun of them mercilessly, but the costumes and dinner were actually quite good (for con food) and we had a great time, despite some obvious fuckery perpetrated by the dueling hosts of the event. I never trust those applause-o-meters but when judged by straggly-haired Whitesnake impersonators, its cred drops down the toilet. But it was the only night where anyone really dressed up (as you can see from the always lovely Caitlin and Heather–check out those zebra eyelids!)

• Impromptu Rock Band Party

Wednesday night was a whirlwind, after the Faery Ball we headed up to Dakota and Terri’s room for mayhem and the birthing of The Creepy Doll. Yes. I said birthing. Things got a little crazy as you can see, but, being true reluctant adults, not a one of us was ashamed when security came to shut down the party. Like a badge of honor bitches!

• The League of Reluctant Adults

On the last night of the con, Michele Bardsley and her faithful handyman, Zombie Joe, busted out the most awesome suite party ever! There was free hooch, cupcakes, Rock Band, Tim Tams (I’m not sure what all the fuss is about) and erotica. Yes. We got erotic up in that bitch. Readings are a given at any League get-together and as you can imagine, only the foulest fluid drenched material measures up to our high/low standards. There were also presents, but I’ll get to those in a minute. You may want to empty your bowels before then.

• My Friends Aren’t Right. Not At All

Yeah, so I get to the suite on Saturday and first thing I’m assailed by Michele Bardsley, Dakota Cassidy, Renee George and Terri Smythe. It seems they found the sex shops in Columbus and couldn’t resist scouring the bargain bins for filth.  Thus…

Yeah. That’s right. Don’t even ask me what I had to do to get that nastiness home. The funny thing is, those silicone fetish feet were regularly $50. No joke and heavy as hell. I’m frankly afraid of the DVD. Mortified. I think I’m going to need to have a party to watch it.

So that’s it. Other than that we had a shitty first leg of our trip back and ended up stuck on the tarmac like illegal immigrants, and missed our connection. Luckily, Richelle had a card to get us in the Red Carpet Club so we could booze away our pain and suffering! Remember that next year’s RT is in LA and that’s for sure going to be crazy so start saving your pennies!!!

Thoughts?