Come Bask in the Amanda-ness
You bitches just gotta mess with a girl’s anonymity, don’t you? But you’re curious and I can respect that. Just don’t say I’ve never done anything for you. You don’t want me pissed.
I hijacked this page on my ghostwriter’s (aka Mark Henry) website, just to keep my fans updated on all the Seattle happenings, Wendy’s business (she’s gossip vlogging soon, so…seriously, can’t wait for that shit), and Gil’s latest exploits (hint: it ain’t a boyfriend). Do I need to remind you he’s a needy fucker?.
Here’s the rundown…
- I’ll be popping my own blogging cherry over on my MYSPACE. Sharing (cuz that’s what I am…a sharer) my reviews of new clubs, the top hunting grounds for fashionable zombies and basic make-up tips to take the undead from no-no to sho-sho!
- You can follow me on TWITTER, because deep down inside you’re really just a filthy stalker. You probably have my picture on some hidden altar in your house. You disgust me. Swing by anyway.
- Me and the ghoulie gang will be chatting about horror movies (like that one right down there, if you just frickin’ scroll, you’d see it). Check back for a new one ever so often.
- I’ll be adding questions to the F.A.Q. below as they come in, so just cuz you think you know everything doesn’t mean you do, smart ass.
- Wendy’s Vlog is coming soon! You’ll want to keep checking back for that. She’s promising to blow the lid off of undead Seattle (with the pervs shambling these streets it won’t be that difficult)
If that isn’t enough for you people, then kiss my ass. I give and I give. I’m a giver. What are you?
Amanda, Wendy and Gil Review Horror Movies
This months feature: Holy shit! It’s that seminal (with an “i”) 60s zombie classic, Night of the Living Dead! We join Amanda and her pals, Wendy and Gil at their regular Well of Souls banquette for cocktails and movie talk..
Amanda: I’d been wanting to watch that movie forever.
Wendy: It’s like the tenth time for me.
W: You’re just jealous that Ricardo kissed me.
A: Kissed? Like hell. More like he blew his stinky-ass dragon breath into your skanky lungs.
Gil: You bitches are both nuts. That movie was scary as hell. All those hicks in overalls and pick-up trucks at the end. Made me want to run screaming to a Barney’s trunk sale.
A: No doubt. Where the hell did they film that shit, Bumfuck, Iowa?
W: Pennsylvania, I think.
G. Whatever. It could have been the Ozarks for the lack of diction spewing from those yocals.
A: I thought the zombies were a little slow for just having turned. The first guy was believable, he was nearly running. ‘There coming to get you Barbara.’ I nearly had a seizure. I was like: they sure are you tasty Bitch!
W: I noticed that, too. So slow. They were also horribly sloppy eaters as they can be. The director got that right. If we could just teach ours to wipe their mouths, they wouldn’t be so bad to have around.
G: You can’t tell me the little undead girl in the basement didn’t scare you.
A: It’s true. That spade. Damn. And I just made a reaper payment, so, I’m a little sensitive. You can’t say those parents didn’t have it comin’ though.
W: Oh God no. That father was an asshole.
G: And that mother was so whiny. Gawd. I’ll tell you something though. I would have totally taken a bite of that lead actor. He was such a Coburn…only black, of course.
G: James Coburn, totally macho 70s action guy.
W: Definitely edible.
A: I thought you were a top, Gil.
G: Technically. I’m saving this fine derriere for “the one.”
W: Oh Jesus. Can we just get through this without devolving into pornspeak?
A: Well, I thought it was decent. Sort of spare and hopeless. And who would have guessed it’d have a totally realistic ending.
W: I know. Amazing, right? Romero was on to something. Maybe he knows the truth.
G: They would have taken him out by now.
A: Who’s they?
G: *shrugs* I don’t even know. Where’s that fucking waitress?
Coming soon: 28 Days Later
Frequently Asked Questions
Have you been able to find a better source for getting your cosmetics and did the spray tan thingy ever work out for you?
That spray tan is for shit. It needs healthy skin to create an even tan. If I had to slough down to new skin, I’d be shining up some bones. Not cool. Thank god for air brushing. I do have a case of Necrophilique in the bathroom, which is specifically designed for my particular skin care dilemma. I use it sparingly, since the company went under. Shame.
Do breath mints give you “rumbly in the tumbly”?
Oh wow. You’re probably feeling really clever with that one, aren’t you? No. I don’t get diarrhea from breath mints; they’re primarily chemicals and too small an amount of starch to effect us in any noticeable way.
I think you are so much classier and have more fortitude than Wendy since she’d rather eat food and shit her diaper, thus making you smell the effects. Isn’t that a “strain” on your friendship?
Yeah. You’d think so. Sometimes she’s so rank I think I’ll heave. But she’s like family, so I put up with it. Doesn’t mean I don’t give her hell.
If you could have sex with any famous person, who would it be?
I’ve already done it and I’m not telling.
What is the lubricant of choice for a zombie?
I’ve got my old standby, mama’s little helper, a mix of icy-hot and KY jelly, but if you’re reading this, you know that already. There are plenty of specialty brands out there, you just have to know where to look. Though, and this is a secret, the older a zombie gets, the less you need lubricants and I don’t think you want me to explain the science behind that any further, do you?
How many pounds of make-up do you use a month?
I don’t know. And frankly this question is a little offensive. I’ve got the name of the person that asked. Watch your back bitch!
How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Um…do I have to answer that? 47…no…46. I broke a heel off in someone’s ass last week. Another pair of Jimmy Choo’s down the crapper. I should start a charity for my shoe needs. Amanda’s Fund. I’ll get a little handicapped girl to play me in the commercials though. I’m not stupid.
What is your favorite color?
Really? What is this some sort of Junior High survey? It’s black. I know that’s not technically a color, it’s all colors. Whatever. Or is that white? Ugh.
What kind of human tastes the best? To eat, I mean… like devour their brain. That kind of eat.
They’re all pretty tasty, but the younger you go the more tender the meat (did that sound dirty?). I’ve definitely got my limits. It just doesn’t seem worth the effort to chow down on a kid when you can get the supersized version just as readily. I mean McDonald’s taught us that.
What’s it like to eat brain? And do we really taste like chicken?
You mean pork. You definitely taste like pork. Raw of course and gamey. Brains go with the package, they’re soft, sort of spongy not something I’d seek out without the main course of flesh. It’s just really interesting that everyone asks this. It makes me think that there might not be so much of a difference between the undead and the living.
If a train is going NW at 57mph and your car is going SE at 83mph, which color purse would you have with you?
Depends on the outfit. Most of the time it’ll be a black traveller, but sometimes an outfit deserves a punch of color.
If you couldn’t live in Seattle, which seems to be a supernatural hotspot, what would be your second choice?
Probably New York. It’s so much easier to fit into a place where people don’t make eye contact. If you’ve been, you know what I mean. Also, c’mon, the shopping? Seriously?
Zombie, Vampire, Werewolf – who has the stinkiest farts?
I hate to admit it and rat out my species but if you’ve ever been in a room laid waste by one of Wendy’s late night zombie meat farts then you probably have the scars to prove it. Someone needs to develop a dietary aid for her in particular.